Input For 1st Draft on Script

Lucy has sent me the first draft script she has written for the film our group are going to create. Here are my inputs that I have written down as I feel these may make the script tighter and more believable. Overall I really like the script and feel as though my group and I can turn this into a great dark comedy.

Click pictures to enlarge.

I came up with a possible alternative title called “Lost Baggage” because it has relation to the plot where the two main characters Adam and Max leave one of their bags on the bus with Tony the Landlord’s body parts inside.

For the opening, I came up with the idea that it could begin with Tony lying dead on Adams kitchen floor, Adam staying silent in shock just looking at the body. I personally feel this will be a stronger opening but more elusive as well so audience will want to watch the film to know what has happened.

Here, I decided that it may work better if instead of Adam hitting Tony with a frying pan it will be more realistic if Adam accidentally kills Tony by pushing him in self-defence, which makes Tony trip over hitting the back of his head hard on the corner of the counter killing him; If Lucy is happy to do this idea instead then we will have to change some of the dialogue so it works better.

I also think it will be more believable and the film will work better that instead of Adam calling his friend Max for help, Max is Adam’s housemate and he suddenly comes home to find Adam and Tony’s dead body in the kitchen.

Here I have just pointed out that if Lucy decides to go with the idea that Max already lives with Adam and turns up, we will have to change some of the dialogue and actions so they fit in with this idea. I also put some input on the dialogue between Adam and Max which I feel could be more funnier.

Here, I have made a note that instead of Max and Adam cutting Tony’s body up in the kitchen they could put him in the bath so it would be a cleaner task and would be more believable with their choices, or we could include some action where Max and Adam lay a plastic sheet down on the kitchen floor.